hard day.

i will at some point post the story of my dad... and about the last two months of our lives together... it just takes a certain amount of strength and the right mood to do so... and i'm not sure when that might strike... but it will. i shared the story with sarah mac while she visited this past weekend. but i haven't shared it with anyone other than my therapist before that... i just don't want you to think you are or aren't a person i want to share it with... it's just that i couldn't on the phone... and it was hard enough in person. i told two of my friends here in chicago that i would share it with them over some wine and sun on my roof deck this saturday. i'm making progress, i think. it's just oh so incredibly painful...

in any case, sort related in that non-related way...

tuesday turned in to a rather difficult day... some unexpected, some i knew would be good but hard. let me explain.

tuesday morning i was emailing with someone about chez harper and booking a room to visit! to entice further, i decided to send a couple of pictures of my place and the roof. as i was looking for pictures, i realized that woah, i really only have some of the place that i took during the inspection which features the previous owner's stuff... hmmm... must clean up my place or at least make it look much less messy before i take any pics and post! but i must and want to do that! and i also found a few pictures from that second weekend i'd lived here when mom, dad, and my dad's sister, ellen, visited. there are just a few that i found... but one, in particular just made me so sad and brought me to tears... as it is doing now to write this... i'd completely forgotten that this photo even existed. and i am so glad that it does.

 

i'd totally forgotten that this existed, yet when i saw it i remembered it and taking it right away. my dad was also so willing to help and that weekend's mess of boxes and stuff was no exception. in all of the places i've lived, dad has always helped hang a good portion of the pictures that hang in my house. most of the time, i'd figure out where i wanted stuff and he'd set about measuring, marking, and lovingly hanging it all. sometimes he'd help me decide between a couple of pictures if i wasn't sure where i wanted something... and i'm pretty sure that it was dad's suggestion (or perhaps mom's) to hang my "chicago" sign above the sink. and so, in order to reach it, dad hopped up on the counter and measured it out to make sure it was centered and hung correctly. i just love how this shows dad in action and captures how willing he was to always help out. as this was october, he already had that stupid cancer growing on his kidney. he was already dying and none of us new it. not even him. he was just fine! and yet, he wasn't... and i think that's part of what just makes me so sad about this picture. but what makes me so happy is knowing that my dad got to see my house... however unfinished, unfurnished, messy, and incomplete... he was still here and got to see how fabulous and bright and airy it is. it is a happy place.... and i love it here... and somehow it comforts me to know that he got to know that and see it.

the sign as dad hung it that day.

And so, that started the morning. Then a week or so ago, I went to an outdoor concert with a bunch of girls from the Junior League. Some of them I know better than others, some I am getting to know more, and some I had just met. In any case, one of the girls who I hadn't seen yet told me how sorry she was and I think that must have started the conversation... but a girl I'm just getting to know tells me she has a friend whose situation is super similar to mine... kidney cancer, etc... she asks if I'd like her to introduce us. i said "i'd love that. that would be really nice". and so, she did! and after checking with her friend to make sure it was ok, she gave me her contact info and i promptly sent her an email. and she was so quick to reply and in any case, we ended up meeting the very next day (the same day as i found this pic). i met her for some lunch, some chatting, and support. and she is AWESOME. truly so warm, friendly, inviting and most importantly she can relate totally. from the diagnosis, the going through it, hospice and losing her dad too soon too. he passed away 4 years ago this july. and not to be creepy or weird or i don't even know, i just felt this instant connection with her. i just have this feeling that she is going to become a very close, dear friend. and so while, tremendous to meet her and have such a connection and ability to relate, it was still quite difficult and we both shed quite a few tears!

but thankfully sarah mac was still in town for her conference and we had planned to meet up for tea mid afternoon and so i was able to see a loving familiar face and put a lot of the day behind me...